Question 20: Ah, lyrics

I’m sitting here, answering these questions. Should really be sleeping, but this is the best time, unfortunately (even more unfortunate: I can hear the little one filling her nappy…)

Puzzling sentence from the other half who is sleeping: “There’s no difference between what the bad guys had.” Always sleep talking. Never makes sense though.

“What is one of your favourite song lyrics? (Who is it by?)”

Currently quite enjoying the lyrics of “Time of Dying” by Three Days Grace, no part in particular, just the whole song. They’re simple, make sense, not pretentious. Perfect.

Also enjoying “7 Years” by Lukas Graham. Tends to make my eyes water though…


P.S. Guess who’s awake…

And stinky.


Question 19: Ah, the simpler days

“How many concerts have you attended? Which one was your favourite? Least favourite? If none, who do you want to see live the most?”

I’ve only gone to one concert actually (mainly ’cause it’s a pain to get to the mainland). The other half, nearly two years ago now, got Imagine Dragons tickets for their birthday and I was invited along. I loved it. I’m usually more withdrawn, but I remember getting up and singing along.

Don’t think I’d go to another concert. I like the memory of that one, but I think my expectations would be too high for any other concert I’d attend.


Question 18: More music… Apollo, have mercy.

“Why is your favourite band your favourite?”

Why is Konigsberger Kloepse (pardon my spelling, it’s early/late) one of my favourite foods? Because its taste is pleasing.

Like the Kloepse (seriously, try them), I find Imagine Dragons pleasing. There are very few songs I don’t like. Their sound is music to my ears don’t kill me.┬áTheir lead singer, Dan Reynolds, has this voice that kind of seduces your ear drums, and the overall combination of instruments is bliss. Plus, the songs have a good beat and tend to be catchy, but not in an overly annoying way (Friday comes to mind…).


Question 17: Somewhat easier (not that much)

“Name a favourite of each: band, album, song.”

I’m guessing non-related so here goes. Apologies for the lack of musical knowledge – tends be a killer when everyone around me discusses current music (my siblings don’t like being in public with me when this happens, but sticks and stones).

Band? Imagine Dragons because yes. A thousand times yes.

Album? There’s a couple Linkin Park ones I can’t decide between: Minutes to Midnight, A Thousand Suns and Living Things. My problem is is that I like songs on all of them, so it’s quite hard to choose. If I really had to, Living Things probably.

Song? Monstercat remix of Falling Stars by Eminence. It’s one I’ll always love, even though it has no lyrics. It’s very calming. Good for clearing the head a bit.


Question 16: Not good for the musically uncultured…

“Which band (current or past) would you want to go on tour* with?

(Travel with, not perform with.)”

Here’s my problem. I listen to music, I love listening to music. Three Days Grace, Vitamin String Quartet, Imagine Dragons. I just don’t pay much attention to the artists, unfortunately. I don’t know how they are as people. I’ll have favourites, but I mainly focus on their music, rather than the people themselves. I used to, but just kind of stopped.

But if anyone, I’d choose Jay McGuinness’ nan (eh, not a band, but related to one!)



Question 15, The Puzzler

So this one I’m finding a bit difficult.

“If you could be reincarnated as any animal, which would you choose and why?”

Quite hard to choose one animal. My favourite was always the wolf, but would I want to be one?


I think I’d like to be some animal that’s fast. Cheetah, perhaps or some bird. ┬áMind you, a wolf would fit that category too. Plus they’re pretty cool.

Another plus: I can’t be left behind, what with the formation of the pack. Elderly and sick lead so they go at the speed of the slowest. I’m covered there. Woof woof.


Question 14

I found 14 quite interesting, probably because I used to be and still am interested in architecture and all that (fact: used to want to be an architecture. My Opa used to build models out of matchsticks so my mum and I had started, and I used software to design houses to build. Fun times really.).

“What are five things you absolutely have to have in your dream house?”

  1. Garden. Not too big, but a large space with room for a little outdoor building. Bit of a homage to Oma, since she loved gardening.
  2. Gaming room.We’re nerds. Gaming nerds. Modern Warfare 1/2/3, Assassin’s Creed, Minecraft, Fallout. Also, Rainbow Six Siege looks quite good, the other half has it… Need to try it out.
  3. Library/office. A definite. A cool one. I need one. Otherwise, there’s just no point. (Plus, there’s just so much paperwork, Sweet Hades’ buttcheek.)
  4. Space. We plan on a couple kids so we’re going to need a lot of space (unfortunately, that means more to clean…)
  5. Kitchen. I love cooking and baking (I’m not saying I’m any good at it – I suck at spicing properly). Besides, a big crowd to feed means a good sized kitchen, right?

There’s a lot more (and I mean a lot) but these are probably the top five, not necessarily in order.


Question 13!

“What would you consider to be the biggest insult to yourself?”


I can write. I will write. I will publish.

People say we’re quite young to have a baby (some people have even asked if we even considered an abortion since we “have our whole lives ahead of us”), but I can and will bring her up to the best person I can. We will. And we can do a better job than some adults.

People don’t get I’m very stubborn. Get that from m’ Dad. It’s a Niseach problemo.

Actually probably a Deutsch problem too… Mum can be just as stubborn…

Another story of incapability: was told by an art teacher I probably wouldn’t pass due to my horrific attendance (appendicitis is a real pain in the booty). Went ahead and got an A. Still very smug. Hence why I had to mention it.


It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

The first thing I have to say is, I’m sorry. For two things: one, for going AWOL for some time; two, for the length of this post. But I’ll be taking this time to explain a bit.

Even before our little bobbelchen was born, I have had problems with depression, anxiety, stress, the whole shebang. But it’s gotten worse since she was born, especially the last while. I became something I wasn’t, and I absolutely hated it. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t write. I just lay there in bed, unless the wain demanded something.

Really though, depression terrifies me. I’ve witnessed it tear down the brightest person, turning them into a bitter and dull shadow of what they once were. When I was younger, I was praised for my smarts but lately I can barely think. My smarts were always who I was, and the thought of losing my whole self is something that I think might truly end me.

My partner, who hasn’t really dealt with depression, asked me the other day what it feels like, what depression feels like to me. It’s kind of hard really to understand, whether or not you have it. But the way I see it, there’s the two main sides.

For the first side, I want you to imagine your mind. As whatever. Some see it as a brain, some glass. In my own mind, it just kind of pops up as a blur, maybe a smudged little glass orb? Eh, who knows? I’m a bit off me rocker anywho!

Okay, back to the topic – so you’ve got your mind, in whatever form you want it in. Now, imagine you’re holding it in your hand (bit weird to hold a brain in your palm, but let’s just wing it). You’re being careful, maybe it’s even like a little bubble floating just above your palm, maybe you’ve curved your hands around it to protect it.

But no matter how much you protect it, no matter how gentle you are or how sheltered you keep it, it just shatters. That one whole being becomes a million pieces and no matter how hard you try, all the pieces just fall down the ground, where they crack and separate even more. For me, the shattering is the point where I break down. When I’m in this state, it’s extremely difficult to break me out of it, so it’s usually just waiting out the tears and watching me beat myself down (sometimes literally – but there’s usually someone around to stop me so no worries).

The next part after this is when you’re staring down, looking at all the shards. That’s after the tears, when you’re feeling numb, like you can’t cope with emotions anymore; or anything as a matter of fact.

And then you fall down to your knees to frantically collect all the pieces, maybe cutting yourself on the shards. You’re collecting them all, looking around, trying to make sure you don’t miss any. Here, I’m usually constantly on edge, and there’s a feeling of doom lingering behind me.

Once you have all the pieces, you’re trying to connect them again. But you’re two shaky and all the pieces don’t match and the more you try, the more the edges grind on each other and the less they fit.

And then there are two possibilities:

They might, by some miracle, join together again. And then probably fall apart later.

Or they won’t. And in your frantic state, you’ll drop them down to the hard floor.

Either way, the cycle begins yet again, and doesn’t seem to ever stop.

Now the other side.

You’re standing. Hundreds, thousands, millions of train tracks surround you. Each one has hundreds, thousands, millions of trains zooming along, and each one flies by you, throwing you around. You’re trying to focus on them, but you can’t make out anything: you can’t even figure out what colour each one is.

You know what each of these trains are? Thoughts. But they’re all going by at once and you just can’t single out one thought.

And with each train passing by, the rush of wind blows you to one side. But there’s so many that you’re being shoved into every direction and you just want to curl up and give up already.

Sometimes you need someone to help pick up the pieces or something to act as a glue to join the pieces together again. Sometimes you’ll need someone or something to act as a support to stop you falling over from all the trains.

Hopefully one day depression will become easier.

P.S. Don’t forget that the dads can suffer from postnatal depression too

Don’t feel bad asking for help. People will feel worse if they find out you didn’t want to bother or burden them. Have a bit of faith. There are still people in this world who want to help.